IN THE DARK

In the Dark

Beware! You don't know what may be lurking in the kitchen when the lights are down. A shadow of a thief. Quick wake up the hubby.

The hubby don't care.

What do you mean? There's a burglar inside the house. He can kill us.

Relax there little lady. It's all under control.

Are you serious? You are too lazy to check if there's someone out there stealing our silver? Do you know what silver goes for nowadays?

Silver schmilver. I need some zzzz's.

This is pathetic. I knew I should've married Vlad. He's a dentist. He wouldn't be scared to check.

Look, I hate to disappoint you -- there's no burglar. The help must be entertaining a visitor.

At this time?

Well, you want her to get down and dirty in front of you?

Down and dirty? What is going on?

The birds and the bees honey. The fireman is creating some heat with our cook.

Stop! Not here.This is not a brothel. You must stop this at once. At once! I have morals.

That's good to know. But you can't eat morals.

This is your home. You want another man in your home doing what you haven't done in God knows how long? Stop it!

And if I do? We won't ever get a good meal again. We'll have to fire her. And then start interviewing cooks who don't like to make love. Is that what you want? A sour cook?

Go out there and do something.

Fine. Lalalalala. Trip. Ouch. Why did I ever get married? I could be cutting trees in Siberia. Happy. All alone. There's nothing here. I'm cold. Sleepy. Tired. The cook. Hey there, Pal, anything happening?

Happening. Why do you insult me? I'm a lousy worker and you think you can wake me up and throw accusations at me. How dare you? Capitalist! I cook your oatmeal just like you like it. And this is the thanks I get. Spit on me, why don't you? Happening? I'm sleeping. Just like you should be with your ugly ass wife. And wait till you eat your oatmeal tomorrow. You'll pay for your insolence. Now get out of my face, you dirty old man.

Sorry, my bad. Don't take it to heart. And please, I beg you, don't screw up my oatmeal. It's my only pleasure in life.

I'll think about it.

Thanks, you're swell.

Lallalala . . . I'm back.

Well, what happened?

False alarm.

What's that you're wearing?

This. This. Oh, this. Why it's something to keep me warm and . . . light your fire. Because sweetheart, you need a hell of a lot of warming up. But first I need to sleep.

Sleep?

Oatmeal . . . zzzzzzzzzzz.

Lights out.


Sorry, I couldn't help myself. This is Chekhov as sitcom writer. It's I Love Lucy meets The Honeymooners meets The Dick Van Dyke Show meets All In the Family meets Raymond.